i don’t know how else to explain it. it is like somebody is physically digging through my flesh and rummaging around underneath my ribcage. it is like there are physical arms searching frantically for something lost in this cavernous shell. as if they’ve stabbed a dull metal shovel into my stomach, like my body is made of rocks and tree roots and soft earthy dirt. someone is scraping away my insides and tossing aside my organs and has left me exposed and vulnerable to the world and they’re filling the emptiness in my carved-out hollow chest cavity with a thick immovable darkness. they’re pouring it in me and it feels cold, and it diffuses across the membranes of my cells and my heart pumps it through my arteries and veins and it replaces my blood and the air in my lungs and i’m choking on it, and i have been drained of all my life force and my humanness has been replaced with a statue of hideous grotesquerie and i am succumbing to an existence that is out of my control. i feel unclean and tainted and i am breaking down slowly and i feel myself crumble under the weight of our combined heartbreak, and my pieces are jagged and lay everywhere i look but i see you where the fragments of me should be. you are part of me and part of my life even though you aren’t and i feel this hole, this matterless vacuum sucking me into its gaping mouth. i feel like the world is running through the universe and things are moving constantly without me i feel drawn back to a timeline that doesn't exist anymore and i feel the magnetic pull of some false reality keeping me grounded here in this state of nothingness, in this present time of pain and anguish and sorrow and void. there is nothing i can do but sit here and let myself get eaten by the universe.