woke up this morning and didn't even notice it was christmas eve. the ground is a weeping mess of dirt, soggy grass, patches of dulled snow. i'm chained to the surface of the earth by this ceiling of thickening grey. every day i wake up and knot more yarn together for the sweater i'm making a girl i loved once. every moment of my life is spent chasing old feelings. every moment i'm trying something new to make them see me. yarn over, slip under, pull up, pull through. yarn over, slip under, pull up, pull through. yarn over, and i think to myself, have i skipped over my best years? slip under; is it my fault everything's gone? pull up; am i meant to find my person? pull through; will i always feel this alone?

my ex-girlfriend used to tell me that the sun doesn't work in this country. she was right. it scalds me and i'm still cold. it melts the snow on christmas eve and i'm still wrapped in endless winter. winter since she chose somebody else over me. winter since he made me his ghost. winter since every loss, since the before, since i wasn't so pissed off with that star in the sky. how do you rise every morning, unshaken by yesterday's grief? how do you give yourself up so freely? i'm not like you. i'm here because i'm bound to my mistakes. i'm chasing myself, every night and day. stuck in orbit. i'm the earth, falling forever into the sun.