it's weird. i'm living so fearfully again. it hasn't been like this since the last time i was truly alone in the world, maybe 2019? i'm so filled with terror and the urge to shrink, i'm so against the idea of being known anymore. but it was healthy me that made the choice to become captain, healthy me that thought they'd be able to handle a constant readiness, a schedule, a single responsibility other than that of breathing. i was worth something when i wasn't all alone. i lost my grip on her. i'm destroyed all over again.

it hit me harder than i thought, like a book thwacked across my face. whiplash. i can't survive if i'm sober too long. the hatred prickles under my skin again, this time back stronger, sharper, more paranoid, less forgiving.

blue and green stripes in my lecture today. one row back, one seat over. i'd love to never give you the satisfaction of thinking i giving a shit, but i can't deprive myself of the single glance i spend to keep you alive in my memory. it's like i need to know you're there to know that time's passing. like i measure my days in units of distance between us, measure my growth in things i'm having to do without you. choices i'm having to make on my own. what to like, what to say, what coffee to drink and songs to listen to and conversations to have with people that just don't get it. people talk to me about you and it's like you're this untouchable thing, and i wish i could tell them all that you're human. i wish i could tell them i know you're human because i know i hurt you, and i know you felt it.

home is a waking nightmare, just as its always been. i’m unwelcome in my own apartment and i’m used to it. i stay in my room until the front door closes, i count my footsteps, i use the bathroom only when the sun’s not up. nothing in the fridge is mine, i don’t ever set foot in the living room, i don’t ever have people over. my mess is contained in the box i sleep in and i’m suffocating in dirty laundry and trash. getting away from the place i've always known did nothing but move the discomfort elsewhere. i can proudly say i've got nowhere to call home, nothing to keep me tied down to this earth but my own need to be so perfect i become unbreakable, unknowable, as untouchable as you. but i'm so filled with flaws. i’m never going to change. i'll always be the thing that's going to kill me, one day.