fell out of bed this morning scattered and anxious, with a rehearsal i wasn't ready for facing me in the next hour and a midterm i was sure i'd fail following it. and of course the rehearsal went bad; because i thought it would. of course i only confidently plowed my way through no more than half the midterm; because i've conditioned myself to believe that i'll never know enough to compete with the average. so i spent the morning messing up, which isn't so uncommon these days. i spent midday dwelling on it. smoked weed in my bed and rewatched a show i've seen a thousand times before, as if trying to convince myself that nothing's changed. i'm high almost every day now, and it's no longer by choice. i don't want to remember my past, i don't want to anticipate my future. i know everything's doomed to unfold against me anyways, so what's the point.

i walked into that midterm in a black turtleneck and a black crewneck overtop, some black cargos and black combat boots and a pair of black lacy undies to hide underneath. an all-black outfit, down to the undergarments. the invisibility cloak. they'll never know me anyways, so what's the point in being seen? they don't care to see me anymore.

bought a bottle of white wine that a man i kissed once told me to try. drank the whole thing at an event i was supposed to be supervising, even after it got lukewarm hours into the night. i force myself into a compromised state these days, so i don't have to blame myself for the actions i make in the later hours. for the thoughts i have, the things i want. the things i miss. i danced, i screamed. i surrounded myself with people that weren't you.

at 1 in the morning we left the bar we ended up at towards the diner down the street; the restaurant i used to work at. none of the employees knew me but the two managers. the floor guy, the kitchen guy. life passes too fast to notice.

i ran home in the pouring rain, smoking a cigarette that kept going out, relighting it in a sprint and letting the flame flick my skin. typing this all out as the drops fall to the screen from my fingers, falling heavily on me. i'm covered in rainwater, i'm washing all the filth away. cold drips down my forehead, my shoulders, my back. down the center of the bridge of my nose and every space around me. covers me. i don't like being touched. i'm running from something and i don't know what

back to the river. i'm standing in the same spot we were the evening before my 19th birthday, trying to cling to empty space and a person that isn't here to fill it. does the air remember you here? crouching in the field between the ground, the trees, the rain, the sky. do you remember where we were 2 years ago? did you forget that you used to care about me?

everything brings me back to you. i'm not ready to figure out who i am on my own. the only thing i have left to cling to is the memory of you knowing me. i'm only real through your eyes. who am i if it's not the me that has you as a friend? who am i if not just a person that let you down harder than you could afford to forgive.

my back is soaked with rain now. my makeup's running down my face. i'm cold and it's been winter since the day you said you didn't want me anymore.

THE SKY IS POUNDING DOWN ON ME AND I MISS YOU
YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT THERE BUT YOU NEVER LOOK
I'M RIGHT HERE
WHY DON'T YOU SEE?

i miss my friends
i miss all of you
it's my fault you're gone