yesterday when i was crying on a frozen metal park bench on the edge of a river pathway in guelph i was staring at the moon and the clouds and the stars and all i kept thinking about was how badly i wanted you to be sitting there beside me. i didn’t want comforting words or a hug or anything else. i just wanted you to be there. i wanted reassurance from your presence alone. i miss you so fucking much. i've only just half-recovered from all the people i lost in my pre-adult life and things were okay for some months, but i didn’t realize that the second round of loss would come so soon. i didn’t realize it never ends, that literally nothing in this life is ever going to be permanent. nothing is permanent but me. i am perpetual. i wish i wasn’t. it is awful. i wish things could last forever. i wish life was a fairytale sometimes. it’s stupid and naive and childish but so is my entire perspective of the world. i am a child and i am weak. i will never change because i do not want to. i am doomed. i am doomed.