every morning i am viciously ripped from a dreamless sleep by the sound of my 6:30 alarm and i screech ferally into the void, and i frantically knock my phone off the shelf onto my face and its jarringly luminous glow blinds me instantly, and i contemplate how unforgivable it would really be to just pay the $5 missed class fee, but the demons of goodwill somehow sneak their way into my brain and possess me into being a dedicated team member, and once i finally find the strength to clamber down my ladder at 6:57 i claw blindly through the ever-growing mountain of dirty clothes on my floor for the same pair of dance pants, and i fail to find them every single time and have to settle for my gay basketball shorts instead, and i stumble down my unlit hallway at 7:06 with matted hair and dirt-covered gildan pants, and leave the house in a pair of black socks with fraying holes and a leather jacket with fraying lining and combat boots with fraying shoelaces, and i step into the bleak empty streets and slip on a sheet of dirty ice, and i swallow the morning air with deflated lungs and shuffle down the street towards campus, and i scan my student card and watch my captains mark every dance they do while i work tirelessly to please them, and i go to grab my water bottle and realize i left it at home, and i try and try and try until i cannot try anymore. i trudge home and take pictures of trees and want to quit the team. i collapse at my kitchen table and decide that dance is still better than school. and i pull out my laptop and let brightspace stare me down and i solve and resolve physics questions incorrectly until my brain is numb, and i decide to do something irresponsible with my evening to forget that i hate living, and i climb back up my wobbly ladder without showering and clutch onto my tiny little stuffed animals and think about all the friendships i’ve ruined, and i pull my phone back out after half an hour of staring at the ceiling and write all my thoughts down, and i set my 6:30 alarm and close my eyes and let myself get swallowed by the bitter night. every day is the same. every single fucking day is the same.