haven’t had a clear new thought in days. all my almost-thoughts have been overthrown by this deep, aching sorrow. a deep dark empty hole. i’ve thrown so much stimulation and distraction inside of it in an attempt to somewhat fill it but it is vast, and it is neverending, and it is irreplaceable. you were tied to so much of me and now that we've been ripped apart i feel my edges fraying. i feel pieces of me torn and swaying in the wind, aimlessly searching for a completion they’ll never know again. this familiarly evil part of me says you’re doing so much better than i think you are. the better part of me knows you’re hurting. and the thought of that knocks the shit out of me. that’s a blow to the head and a punch in the gut and a life-sucking feeling i never want to feel again. i cannot believe i did that. i really, really fucking cannot believe i did that. i can’t even say your name anymore because it feels so bitter on my tongue. every time i see it in my head i’m reminded of every twisted thing i’ve ever thought about you. i miss when your name was like sunshine to me. i miss when things were uncomplicated and easy. i don’t deserve to do anything but curse myself for my own wicked behaviour. i’ve never fucked anything up so much in my life. this is undoubtedly my worst moment as a human being. there’s really no debate. i am careless and destructive. i am naive and childish. i am violent and cruel and i must be held down. i must be silenced slowly, and shrunken, and i must shrivel up as small as can be. i can no longer let myself be known by the world. i must be so faint that i am barely visible at all.