was going to come here and say "i miss you because i miss having someone to talk to, i miss having someone to feel so safe with, i miss having that familiar home feeling to fall back on" but i had a split second realization that this is exactly what the fundamental issue is. i shouldn’t have to rely on people so much to support my mental state. no single individual should have to carry all that weight. that’s why you left for good. it was too much of me to ask of you; too much of me to ask any person really. and i really need to do something productive about this. even if it fails to fix me. because it’s either i try to get help and fail miserably or i continue thrashing about with this wildly cynical unchanging rulebook i live by and destroy everything around me. i shouldn’t be so comfortable with publicizing my weird brain behaviours. i should know better.