i know i always say "this is the last time ill ever talk about x!" or "i am never doing y ever again!" but i mean it this time. it’s too painful to think about.

it all came crashing down again. feelings from that first week are relapsing. i need to keep it all in. i don’t deserve to think or speak or feel anything about this anymore. i need to disappear. to fade slowly. to become dim. to shrink, to still, to become an absent shadow of a human being. i can’t keep being real. i can’t keep doing it.

things are severely wrong with me and i can’t keep trying to decipher what is true. i can’t keep trying to validate my own existence when i do not know if it is deserved. it is too much. i now reject every feeling i supposedly have. from now on i learn to accept that everything i think and everything i feel is false.