i didn’t sleep well last night. kept waking up and wondering why, then i’d slump back into the same meaningless dream, right back where i left off. never escaping, just linking new images to the chain. i don’t dream about you often, but it hurts just as bad every time i do. brings back all the thoughts i keep locked up, all the emptiness i force away so desperately. i don’t remember much of what i dreamt about last night, but i remember the look on your face right at the very end of it, and the words you spoke so clear i couldn’t believe they weren’t real.

“i love you too much to live without you.”

god. your voice. i miss it. i didn’t fall back asleep after that. i didn’t want you to take it back. i wanted to pretend that that’s something you’d really say to me.

i dreamt you forgave me for what i did. i dreamt you finally gave in, wanted to try again. i dreamt we were friends, i dreamt it was all okay, i dreamt of fairy tales and happy endings and the smile i haven’t seen you wear in 10 months. i dream about you now that you’re gone more often than i did when you were still around. that makes sense. my subconscious always finds ways to punish me.

months later, i still need your forgiveness. i bear this heavy coat of guilt every day. it follows me around, it weighs me down, it sits on my back and looms over my shoulder and whispers horrible things in my ear. you deserve this. you deserve this. you deserve this. i need to shed it for good and i can’t until you tell me it doesn’t hurt anymore. i can’t until all these dreams come true. and they don’t. they won’t. they never will.

i wonder why my heart still aches for you. i wonder if it still wants you back in my life, or if it only pleads for your forgiveness. it hasn’t gone away, no matter how hard i’ve willed it to. i wish i could do anything about it but sit here and dream.