did absolutely nothing today. barely even sure i existed at all. was supposed to do research, instead i laid in bed for 12 hours straight. my apartment is disastrous and as of yesterday i'm failing at the only thing i’ve got even the smallest smidge of a chance of being good at. i couldn't even get out of bed to study for the quiz i had today. my hair is so long it feels like i’m suffocating. all the food in my fridge has gone bad and i'm pretty sure the only reason the plants haven’t died yet is because i left the windows open for a week straight and it rained like the windowsill depended on it. everything feels dirty and sleepless and i need groceries, batteries, a purpose, energy, willpower, anything. anything but this fucking drowning exhaustion. this lack of humanity, this spinning that goes round and round and round forever. and it’s like every time i manage to make the spinning stop, even for the faintest breath of a moment, i forget how crushing it is to lose in the fight against myself. like in the moments i’m not drowning, it’s like i’ve never drowned at all. but the moments i am are so usual now that it’s like i’ll never get to know anything but. i hate that i can’t cherish good for what it is and i hate that i can’t remember it exists when i’m stuck in the bad. i know it’s there, i know it’ll always be there. the hope, the breath. but it seems so dwarfed by these now-feelings, this worthlessness that punctures my lungs and severs my windpipe. i can’t breathe. it’s all my fault. my cells have amnesia and i’ll never resurface.