"i miss you" does not do this feeling justice anymore. because when i really, really think about it, underneath all the ache for the real things i know we had, and underneath all the layers of repressive barriers and silencing attempts and chains and locks and all, i still long for wishes that aren't real. i still long for that fairytale ending i know i’m not getting and it is SELFISH and DELUDED and i KNOW THAT. but my evil subconscious pushes me further, and i am still falling in that dreaded direction of horrid mania.

and at the end of all this, isn’t that just fucking stupid? that after all these months of repercussion that have resulted from my one-sided obsession, i still can’t shake these awful feelings? after all the tears, and pain, and sleeplessness and aching, after all that i still just want some impossible fantasy that i know deep down will never happen?

am i awful for not restricting myself to want only the things you can give me? i think i am. i think i am awful for convincing myself that i need more. that i can’t function or live my life until you give me more. and i am awful for subconsciously putting that responsibility on you. for saying "i’m ready, i’m here, with open arms i will take you once you finally consider this,” when really, at the end of the day, before all the bullshit, you’ve been here all along, and i’ve just been too greedy to notice the kind of love you gave me.

i haven’t learned my lesson at all. i haven’t healed. and i’m not stuck; i’m worse off than before. i’m deeper down in the pit of selfish obsession. i’m not ready to reconcile. i can see it now: the day we first talk, the day we first laugh, the day we walk down the street together, the day we get coffee, the day we try again. i can see it all so clearly. i am going to ruin every single one of those moments with nitpicking, with obsessive analysis and dissection of every twitch of your finger and i am going to ruin this friendship again should i ever be so blessed with a second chance.

i’m angry and suffering because i know that no matter what, the future holds more pain. if i lose you, i’ll crack. if i get you back and break you again, i’ll shatter. the future is not something i think i’m going to look forward to anymore. i fear the things to come from this. i don’t want to. but i do.