oh my god it really never fucking gets better. it is always going to be like this. until this gets resolved (and it may never will) i am going to continue to suffer under the grip of my own obsession. i DO NOT WANT THIS BRAIN ANYMORE. I AM SO TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT THIS. I WANT NORMALCY. I WANT SILENCE AND CALM. I WANT PAINLESS THOUGHT AND I WANT SIMPLE EXISTENCE AND I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING ANYMORE. I CAN’T TAKE IT. I CAN’T TAKE IT. I CAN’T TAKE IT. I CAN’T TAKE IT. NOTHING WILL FIX ME. NO ONE WILL FIX ME. AND I AM A FOOL TO THINK OTHERWISE. I AM A FOOL TO THINK THAT THINGS WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU WOULD JUST TALK TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE IRREFUTABLE PROOF THAT THEY WILL NOT. THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING. THERE IS NO RESOLUTION. I SUFFER FROM EVERY OUTCOME OF THIS SITUATION BECAUSE I WILL ALWAYS, ALWAYS SUFFER AT THE HANDS OF MY DISSATISFIED SELF. NOTHING SATIATES ME. NOTHING IS ENOUGH. I AM NOT ENOUGH. AND I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO CONVINCE THE UNIVERSE THAT I AM. I AM TIRED OF THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING AND GETTING NOWHERE AND THINKING AND COMING OUT OF PERIL WORSE THAN BEFORE I AM TIRED. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.