THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO but nothing interests me anymore. i cannot pick and i cannot stick with one thing. there are so many things i could be doing with my time at any given moment but i’ve spent the majority of my days this month sitting around trying to decide what to do instead of doing anything at all. sitting and never doing anything. just... sitting. i don’t know how to behave when i have freedom.

this marks the end of may. i don’t really know what to say or how to feel about anything anymore, other than to recognize my utter insignificance. we're almost halfway through the year and the most i've accomplished so far is losing yet another beloved person from my life and withering in pain over it. the cycle continues, i suppose. nothing changes if nothing changes.

i've come to hate the responsibility that goes along with independence. i used to love the concept of a boundless existence until i realized that such a thing will never be possible. what a drag. i don't want to do anything anymore. i want sedation. i want inner peace. i want healing and groundedness and solidification. i can't keep living with this perpetual uncertainty. it's making me go crazy. what do i do with all this energy if i'm not channeling it into obsession? i don't know where to place my focus. my vision. i feel lost. i feel very, very lost. i haven't felt like this in a long time. it is a tunnel i run through, endless and endless, and i'm not even sure there will ever be a light at the end of it. i run for nothing. there is no light anymore. only a blanketing darkness, for miles. i am free, and i have everything i could want. yet i still have nothing. no permanence. no tangible human connection. i am completely alone, engulfed in this viscous void, with a body i don't recognize and a consciousness i cannot connect to. i have no self. that's what it is. i have nobody, not even myself. that must be what true loneliness is.