this brain of mine is so naturally childish in its thought processing and i need to change that soon, because it is continuing to destroy me and i’m almost completely done for. there’s still a piece of me that wants to fight but it is shrinking every day and it shivers every time the world proves me right. so what’s the point of trying to fight if i’m always going to lose? what’s the point of buying all this food if it all goes bad before i eat it? what’s the point of cleaning if i just make the same mess over again? what’s the point of sleep if i’m tired no matter how much i get? what’s the point of studying if i fail no matter how hard i try? what’s the point of making friends if i lose them all anyway? what’s the point of falling in love if i destroy it all in the end? it is so hard to want to keep getting pummeled through life when everything seems so absolute and futile. i don’t have the strength to change my mindset and i don’t know how the rest of the world continues to live on in the face of the monotony of this existence. i don’t want to have to need things like food and sleep and love but i know i don’t have a choice. i can’t keep pushing to maintain them anymore. every push is harder than the last. i am coming to a standstill.