i can’t believe you are already part of my history.

it’s hard to do things or to want to do things or think things or say things that i associate with you, all while trying to not associate them with you. extremely counterproductive. feels like i'm removing all true meaning from them. like i'm stripping them of their significance and claiming them as my own. feels like i'm untethering myself from your existence, and all the things that make you a human person. so i usually just give up and decide to not remove those associations from you, and then i just start thinking about you, and it fucking sucks and hurts really bad, and i have to limit myself to the things i can think/do/like/want/choose/say.

currently reading phil elverum’s norway journal. it's nice to just sit here and read with the curtains open and the window up and the diffuser going, just doing the bare minimum as a person. this is what i’ve been missing, i think. maybe the simplicity will finally clear my head. remove you from it. not that i want you gone completely. just the unhealthy obsession, and any villainous perceptions still lurking around in there. or maybe it'll teach me to live peacefully with it. with the memory of your place in my life and the joy it brought me. i never meant for any of this to be so convoluted and multilayered and unnecessarily complicated. i never meant to tirelessly dissect all of this. i don’t have a single clue how we got here at all.

is this the thing that’s going to turn me into an adult? am i going to emerge from this healed and mature? i wonder if this is my norway.