wrote an exam today. went horribly. i have another in two days that’s guaranteed to go worse. i keep doing this thing where i subconsciously prevent myself from studying, even though i want to really really bad. figured out why: it gives me something to blame failure on. i can always just say “i procrastinated and could’ve done more” instead of saying “i tried my best but i’m genuinely too stupid to understand the electromagnetic functionality of a synchronous motor.” isn’t that dumb? i’m so scared of losing control that i ruin my chances of success before even trying to succeed. i never have to face my own inadequacy because i actively engineer a situation where i’m guaranteed to do poorly. i just can’t take the pressure of being here. doing this. i’m a fraud in this place and i’m terrified of that. i could be anywhere else and instead i continue to torture myself with an endless stream of nonsensical mathematical bullshit. but at least i’ll never know how stupid i really am. nothing burns more than knowing you did everything you could and lost anyway.