i woke up early this morning to my windowsill drenched in rain. i went to work and burnt my hands so bad i got blisters. but i've had this intense, unshakeable happiness following me around all day and i don't know why. i like it. i love it! but happiness is weird.

fuck. why do i have to analyze every good thing that happens to me! i shouldn't question these moments i feel so okay in! i should hug them tight!!!! squeeze the shit out of them and be grateful that they're here in the first place!!!!

but it's still weird. it's weird to be happy because i know at some point, something will break me apart again. happiness ends. i know that. everything has to end, eventually.

i don't think i do good with endings. i don't like losing things, even the bad ones. i think i'm scared that one day, i'll wake up and have nothing left. not joy, not pain. nothing and nobody. just my own self, maybe my bed and my grey ceiling, the sidewalks and my brain and not much else. i'll walk around with empty pockets and an empty backpack, purposeless and meaningless and numb, and have absolutely nothing left.

so how am i supposed to be entirely and completely content with the way things are when i'm forced to know that soon, by the laws of the inevitable universe, i'll lose my grip on this? or it'll be taken from me, or stolen, or destroyed? i wish i was ignorant to endings, i wish i wasn't affected by loss. i wish i didn't care so much. i wish this happiness would last forever.

this isn't profound. i just feel good today and i feel like shit about it. i don;t know. why am i writing when i don't need to. i hope you're happy today. i hope it never ends. i hope we both find ignorance again. and, maybe one day, i hope we don't ever need ignorance to be okay.