letting new people into my life is hard. i don’t like to do it too often. it scares me that i don’t trust myself enough to hold people safely, without letting them slip away from my cupped hands and fall to the ground, without picking them up and dropping them again, repeatedly, until they crack, until they chip away completely, until i’m left with the dust of a person i loved and still managed to destroy.

i met someone new recently who let the sun back in. they took my palms off my eyelids and started colouring the world in again. but i’m so scared. i’m so scared i’ll hurt them. they keep telling me i’m gonna break their heart into a thousand pieces. i don’t want to. i really really don’t want to. but what if they’re right? what if i crush their spine? what if i shred their throat? what if i make them cry so hard their eyes are still swollen the next morning?

i’m holding on so tight. my hands are shaking. i don’t know what i’ll do if i drop them. i can’t do this again. i can’t do it. i’m holding on so tight.