yesterday i slept in the back of an SUV with a girl i've known for 3 weeks. we put all the back seats down and sprawled out my two-person sleeping bag and pillows, and i clutched my stuffed animal and shut my eyes, and we talked for a bit until she said, "i can't believe you've never been kissed before," and then, "i could be your first," and then she placed her palm on my right cheek and kissed me.

i am almost 20 years old and i had my first real kiss at midnight lying in the back of a rental car in the parking lot of a run-down motel. i had my first kiss last night and i felt absolutely nothing.

and it is frustrating because i've always known this would happen eventually. i knew this would be just as underwhelming as it actually was, and i put it off for years so i'd never have to face the truth. it needed to happen so i could stop using "never being kissed before" as my winning card every time i have to play never have i ever, but i thought the act of finally doing it would unlock some prestigious doorway to the elation of intimacy. i thought it would all make sense to me but it doesn't. that i'd finally understand why other humans enjoy having somebody else's tongue in their mouths and saliva on their lips but i didn't, because that's all it was to me. a tongue and two soft blobs of flesh pressed against mine. and she asked me how it was and all i had to say was, "interesting," and i turned over and fell asleep.

my brain is not wired to enjoy this and i know that for sure now. and as much as i try to acknowledge that my asexuality is real and valid, it's hard not to feel broken when this thing that's supposed to leave me feeling gratified or loved or SOMETHING just feels so numbing and purposeless. i crave connection so fucking badly but i don't know how else to fulfill it if i can't find joy in the act that's supposed to. i had my first kiss at the age of 20 and it made me feel wrong. broken, screwed up, defective, incapable, inhuman; call it whatever you want. i don't understand sexual intimacy and i never will, and i don't know how to stop hating myself for it.