days are weird. some disappear, some last forever. i cried for most of this one, avoided everyone and everything. then i went to the convenience store. had a human interaction with the man at the cash. sweet looking guy, probably never seen a queer person in his life. then i walk in, with a grown-out buzzed head, 6-size-too-big jorts with sharpie doodles all over them and skull socks from dollarama’s halloween collection.

asked for a lighter at the cash, and he said, “which one?” as if they weren’t all the same, as if the fate of the universe was to be determined by what colour lighter i chose. i said, “surprise me.” he handed me a bic with the toronto maple leafs logo. “the most expensive one, then.” he chuckled. stupid joke. i’m still thinking about it.

probably wasn’t the smartest move to smoke a cigarette right after taking my first shower in days. probably wasn’t smart to do any of the things i’ve been doing lately. my to-do list is piling up and the summer’s barely just begun. i’m so sick of trying to get through this point in my life, i’m sick of trying to convince myself it’ll ever get better. how long will it take me to understand that the grass is all the same shade of green?

i had a thought while exploring the city on friday. idly watched the interactions of some high schoolers at the bus stop and, for the first time in my 20’s, thought, “oh, what i’d give to be a teenager again.” i have this thought often. had it in my teens, as a kid. “what i’d give to go back to the good times.” as if every day that follows is worse than any of the other days i’ve lived. i wonder what i’ll think about my now self when i’m in my 30’s. i wonder how bad it’s going to have to get to make me feel like i miss this.

guess i’m supposed to be inspired by that, start living in the now, appreciate my youth for what it still is. but i’m terrified by the thought that i’d ever refer to this as “the good times.” if this is the good, then what’s the bad? what am i going to lose? what pain am i going to feel? what thoughtless monotony am i going to descend into when i finally become an adult? it’s why i don’t think i’m going to make it another 10 years. i don’t think i’ll be strong enough to take the loss. i thought this stuff was hard. i have no idea what’s coming.