the gaps in my writing reflect the gaps in my emotions; i write when i feel, and i haven’t exactly known what that is for a while. there’s been smoke in my eyes since the beginning of may. i’ve lost the ability to feel strongly about anything. but i am feeling something, some unnerving fear lurking deep within that the path i’m on is the wrong one. the fear grows stronger every time i make a choice. every direction i take my life in has felt uncertain for years now. free will is a prison. i wish i had something to take my hand and guide me through the fog. i don’t know. this is all part of growing up. it’s why i never wanted to.

it’s so hot out. i’ve got no air conditioning, so there’s nowhere to escape, really. the heat latches onto my skin and every day is like swimming in a viscous nothing, sinking, gasping for air.

i tried to switch programs. physics and electrical engineering to fine arts—a complete 180° shift. still haven’t heard back, so i’m assuming it’s a no. i almost feel relieved, like, thank god i'm not good enough to have to choose, thank god i don't have to make decisions about my future. all my decisions are decided for me by my failures.

i don’t have much going on. not even a job, never mind a relevant one. it’s all they talk about these days: stories from the lab, stories from the internship, stories stories stories about submitting to the future they’ve already locked into. am i the only one that sees the trap, or am i stupid for not accepting that there’s no way to be free? regardless of the path i decide to try and walk, i’ll always be trapped anyways, in this argument with my stupider self, in this endless conversation with my own mind. this summer is same as any other; i’m studying and i’m alone again and gearing up for a life i already know i’ll never be good enough for.

my thoughts have become too fragmented to piece together. none of them form the bigger picture, just small screams of hopelessness. this is most of what i’ve written in a month:

finding bandaids in my back pocket

lick my bloody lips and keep going

i must learn to find solace in this new place

i'd give anything to be ignorant again