so what’s new. the year ended, my gpa went up. it’s warm out. i’m captain.

that’s pretty much it. why do i feel like i’ve been so busy? why do i feel the same i felt months ago? time’s winding forward, i’m standing still. can i still form a sentence?

okay. whatever. i get home every night and torch my lungs. i can’t remember any of my days past 5 pm but i guess i’m okay with it. i’m okay not doing, not remembering, not happening, not changing.

i get so high i can’t even type, like each side of my brain is severed from the other, hands pushed apart, fingers stroking keys. a handicap. it works well. don’t write. don’t bother. you’ll only make things worse.

i don’t know who i am anymore. i don’t know what i want. i’m so far from myself, from anything i ever knew before. my brain is no longer mine.

there’s no prettier way to say it. i want to go back to the way things were before. and in 4 months, when you’re back from montreal and she’s back from germany and i’m back from the apartment i never left, we’ll all sit in a room together again and i’ll be pulling hairs out just trying to get you to look at me. trying to convince her i don’t care about you anymore. the same bullshit as the last bullshit. the same fight i always lose. one day i’ll lose them both. maybe that’ll show me.