i have every reason to feel the same this year. i’m trying not to. things haven’t gotten better, but time has made them clearer. i’ve made it far enough for the blood to have finally dried. now i’m waiting for the wounds to scar over.

i look for you in everyone i meet. you’re never there. your shadow chases me. the dirt lingers. nothing i wash it with helps.

i’m relearning how to be me. i used to feel comfort in being alone until i found comfort in you. nothing compares to the solace of another. nothing has suffocated me more than the loneliness did, when all i had was the memory of being seen. it’s fading now. i’m left with nothing but me. i’ve decided i have to figure out how to be okay with that.

i hate that i’m wasting time on the past, pushing away the new in favour of feeling the old. stuck. i miss the joy it gave me, i miss the pain it left me with. what of the things i’ve felt since have left as much of a mark? i miss intensity. i miss running. i miss not knowing how bitter the aftertaste of you would be.

i get it know. i get why you haven’t left me yet. learning i couldn’t keep you hurt me more than anyone i’ve ever lost. i got over the rest because i had something that sucked the life out of me harder than they did. it took 17 months to know you and it’ll take a lifetime to forget. i wish i didn’t have to forget.