does my reputation precede me? it must. i don’t stand a chance in this arena. i'm finally trying—really, honestly trying—to connect with people again, and it is terrifying. scrutinizing. maybe i was stupid to think it would come as naturally as it did with you. maybe i really am as off-putting as i think.

why bother with me? i'm leftovers. i’ve been in the game long enough to watch everybody leave. the rest stopped looking for more. it's normal for them to see me alone, hiding, closed-off. the dust has already settled. how dare i try to brush it off? nobody likes change. i should know that.

i’ve got a class with a professor i haven’t had since i had you and not one thing about him has changed. except, now you’re gone, and nobody wants to laugh about his mannerisms with me anymore. nobody wants to doodle him and snicker, tally up all the dumb things he says. nobody told me we were supposed to grow up.

didn’t take much effort for our old friends to find people to replace me with. i’m at the bottom of the list. i sit right between them and they choose to turn away, talk to whoever’s on the other side. i pushed them there. i pushed them away from knowing me, and me from knowing them. stranger, stranger, me, stranger, stranger. things couldn’t be any more different.

i have to put my past on lockdown. i have to avoid being anything we used to be because it reminds me of you. one of them pulls out a new poker set and it stings, because i know it means we’ll never play with you again. another says “he got co-op" and it stings, because i know it means you’re gone. we stand out front and smoke and it stings, because it reminds me of that night on february 1st, when you finally learned i wasn’t a person you could trust. the night i sealed my fate, inevitably.

i need to mend what i have left, but i don’t know how. they’re linked to you. the guilt eats me alive. when we had our fight and you said all trust was gone, it felt like i was taking them from you. the next monday when we sat in our lecture, and i cried there beside you, and we didn't say a word and you got up as fast as you could and left us behind once and for all, it felt like i'd ended the world. there's too much guilt and i haven't sifted through it all. if i put the wall up between you and them, why shouldn’t i do the same for myself? selfish. dirty. bad friend. they remind me that i'm a bad friend.