i shaved my head on friday, for no real reason. i don't know. maybe i needed a change. i'm so used to hiding behind my hair, relying on it to maintain some semblance of femininity. but i'm surprisingly comfortable with myself right now. no more hair to hide behind. just me.

aside from that, the past couple of days have not been very good. i skinned my hand last night, already behind in a couple classes. feels like the same old garbage cycle i've been stuck in for the past while. fear the failure, fail from fear, punish myself, repeat. i've been trying really hard to get out of it, though. this is the first time i've fallen in a while.

for someone who doesn't believe in change, i've been adopting a suspiciously unstubborn mindset lately. i'm trying to be kinder to myself. i'm trying to be okay with your presence. i'm trying to try harder. but forcing my own betterment never seems to work, not when i know there's always argument to be made against it. how can i justify kindness when i don't believe it's deserved? how can i acknowledge something that still reminds me of my own wickedness? how can i try harder when inevitable doubt means i'm doomed to always fail?

i can't stop finding sound reason to think everything is shit. can't stop circling back to negativity, that same unenthused mindest i've been employing all my life. why change something i've always lived by? why battle the endless stream of thought when i know i'll never win? why try any harder when i keep on surviving?

i'm tired. i'm so tired. of the extremes, the stream, the scraping, the numb. i'm tired of working so hard to keep myself alive. i want simplicity, more than ever. i still want easy existence when i know it'll never be mine. i guess being goodish is better than not, but things'll never be perfect and it's hard to accept that. that no matter how drastically i change myself, or how short i cut my hair, i'll always be battling this person i never seem to like.