it’s finally september.

i think the weather knew that, because the first of september could not have felt more cliche. i stepped outside and saw redorangeyellow all over the place, even though the previous day had been so green and full and the branches still had their shit together. the temperature dropped from unbearable heat to sweater degrees overnight. so much can change in a day.

i worked my last couple shifts at the diner before the start of the semester. mostly mornings, for some reason. i rarely take time to walk around the city with the sunrise but when i do, i find it quite calming. few sounds but the birds and stray cars, all the shadows slanting inversely, opposite to the direction i’m used to. on monday morning i left my apartment and stepped onto a sidewalk dotted with blood. an unbroken trail that stretched forward towards the main street for 6 blocks. that morning, i didn’t hear the birds and i didn’t see the shadows. i didn’t see the flourish of autumn shades. i just saw red, everywhere, and felt the illusion of september begin to fade.

i’ve always enjoyed this time of year most of all. the beginnings and the change, rapid change. but i spent the entire summer dreading this month, and i no longer have the energy to like it. the entire summer, trying to wrap my mind around the very real scenario of having to see you in the flesh. all potential courses of action outstretched against the edges of my brain, and in 4 months i never settled on a single one. the possibilities drove me crazy. i bent each one till it snapped.

“what am i supposed to do when i see you,” i had to wonder. what do i do? talk? text? wave? smile? can i sit there? can i say that? am i even allowed to look you in the eye?

i wish i didn’t have free will. i wish i knew more about this than i do. yesterday was the first day of classes, and it didn’t surprise me that both of us had clearly decided, unconsciously, to do nothing at all. to pretend the other didn’t exist. and for the short 3 seconds we did end up interacting, when you passed me and hesitated, and turned over your shoulder and stood and stared, only to offer a weak, obligatory wave, i found i wasn’t staring into the eyes of a friend, that i wasn’t staring into a soul i’d once known so deeply. i stared straight through a stranger that looked like you, straight through a soul drenched in the darkness i showered upon it.

i did used to love september, it’s true. but not this time. not this year. the fog is settling in. i can’t see clearly anymore. the sun is too bright and it sucks the life out of me. the people are everywhere and i feel so alone. i am placeless and meaningless and i feel like a ghost. every day i battle crowds and disappear.

i’m blessed to have friends and people who love me, and places i can go to find some kind of peace. but they cannot hold me together like you did, and it hurts to admit that. none of them give me the strength to face the inevitability of my own existence. when you looked at me, i was real. when you stood by me i mattered. you were my home, the only feeling of home i’ve had since i was a young kid. and now that the feeling is gone for good i don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know how to build something new. i’m so tired of playing doctor, brainstorming ways to stitch us back together. we’re severed. this is the final chapter.

i cried when you waved at me. it wasn’t a sob or a choke or a lump in my throat, i just felt the tears come like breath; natural, involuntary. i hardly even noticed till the wind brushed my face and the streaks felt cooler against the surface of my skin. and as i trudged home along the blood-splattered pavement, i knew. i knew that this september was going to be different. that this is where it ends. i don’t need you to say it. i believe it now. we’re dying with the leaves. it’s really over.

i wish you’d told me before the world did. i wish we could’ve closed this book for good. i wish you’d let me say goodbye. we’re unfinished and we always will be.

i’m sorry it had to end this way. that i snuffed out all goodness with the tips of my fingers. i don’t regret telling you i loved you, but i regret making you think it was ever your fault. i still do, though. i love you even if you pretend i’m not here anymore. i love you even if you don’t love me too.

i don’t know what the future holds; i don’t even know what i want from it. these are untitled months. but i hope this ending makes way for something better. i hope we make it through september.